3 Misunderstood Verses That Keep Us From Setting Good Boundaries
“Without proper understanding of God’s word, we become vulnerable to more hurt and broken relationships.”
By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC
This decade seems to be filled with relationship shifts and personal growth. I’m reaping the consequences of my previous decades where I set no boundaries and facing the reality that the person that needs to change is me.
Recently, I was reminded of the call of the Christian towards holiness in 1 Timothy 1:9. Holiness requires us to be honest and faithful, to take responsibility for the choices we make. Up until now, I have not been fully honest nor responsible to call out the dysfunction in my behavior or my relationships.
What have you not been honest about? Where have you lacked responsibility or good stewardship of your mind, body, soul, relationships?
When it comes to my relationships, I tend to elevate others’ needs so much above my own that I don’t always know what I need until it’s too late. I confess that I’ve wanted close relationships and peace so much that I have allowed mistreatment without consequences.
I’ve diminished my value and not protected myself from evil all because ultimately, I haven’t taken responsibility for the fact that God created me to bear His image and appointed me as a steward to protect His “temple” (2 Cor. 6:16).
As a result, the recurring growth-theme in my life continues to be the need for GOOD BOUNDARIES.
Boundaries are necessary in our relationships to “keep the good in, and the bad out”; in other words, to protect my value (good in) and my safety (bad out). Ultimately, Boundaries help keep me from living an unholy life that dishonors God. We alone are responsible for setting clear boundaries and determining courageous consequences for when our boundaries are crossed.
For example: In the beginning, God had a perfect relationship with Adam and Eve. He stated a clear boundary to not eat the fruit from one tree in the garden. When they disobeyed, the consequence was severe. They were banished from the garden and given more rules for how they were to live.
There was a clear boundary, a courageous consequence, more boundaries, and the motive was love –a desire to maintain relationship with them. He preserved the good and kept out the evil which invited them to live holier lives.
When I teach boundaries, some clients push back due to the misinterpretation of some Bible verses. So, consider these 3 verses in a Biblical context to guide you towards healthier stewardship of your temple and healthier relationships.
3 VERSES TO EMPOWER, NOT CONFUSE, YOUR BOUNDARY SETTING
1. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down his life for one’s friends.“
John 15:13
COMMON MISINTERPRETATION: We’re supposed to love sacrificially, right? To deny our needs and help others, whatever the cost?
BIBLICAL TRUTH: Jesus did lay down his life for us, for a high and holy purpose. Jesus did not lay down his life to enable bad, unholy, or irresponsible behavior or to make others happy. This verse speaks towards us having a willing spirit to be a resource to others. It is not saying to lose our lives or sacrifice our needs to the point of self-detriment. We need boundaries to prevent self-detriment!
“We can be a resource to others but should never become the source of what sustains them.” -Lysa Terkeurst
Which leads me to the next verse:
2. “Carry each other’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ…for each should carry his own load.” Galatians 6:2, 5
COMMON MISINTERPRETATION: We’re supposed to be there for one another and pick up their burdens no matter what, right?
BIBLICAL TRUTH: It is not our role or responsibility to take on someone else’s burdens, no matter how much they try to convince us it is. People with victim mentality, addictive behaviors, or those who live in constant chaos or stress will try to convince you that you are the solution to their problems. And it can feel good for a moment, but ultimately it keeps us from stewarding ourselves well. It also prevents the other person from learning to do the same.
When we constantly remove the load for them, they will never feel the weight of their poor decisions that got them there in the first place, thus no change. Remember, we’re called to grow towards holiness.
3. “It [love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.” 1 Corinthians 13:5
COMMON MISINTERPRETATION: We’re supposed to let things go, forgive and forget …the unhealthy, hurtful patterns of behavior and destructive choices they’ve made, right?
BIBLICAL TRUTH: We are to exercise wisdom and discernment to know when we are safe to allow someone who has hurt us closer access to us and when to create stronger boundaries. God commands us to forgive but reconciliation depends on someone’s willingness to cease harming us. We aren’t to hold onto the pain and use it against them later, rather be wise and proceed with caution.
What’s really helped me grow to have healthier relationships is to look at myself and then look at the type of relationships Jesus had …and I just can’t say it better than Lysa Terkeurst here:
“Jesus didn’t enable people, beg people, accept excuses for sin, or let them off the hook because they were mostly good. He called out the Pharisees for their harsh, demeaning, and judgmental attitudes. He informed the rich young ruler to give up what was controlling him and holding him back. And Jesus tended to his personal needs to be alone with the Father, even when the crowds needed and demanded him.”
I encourage you to take time and do an inward look and allow the Lord to begin breaking down the altar you’ve built to preserve yourself and with the very same stones, build an altar that glorifies Him. “God, what am I missing that you want to show me to grow me and my relationships?”
Remember, God is for you and God is for relationships! Be faithful to steward yourself and your relationships well and not allow fear or misinterpretations sway you.
“One who is faithful in very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in very little is also dishonest in much.”
Luke 16:10
Check out Lysa’s book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing The Best of You” here.
Consider attending one of our workshops here.
Audrey Hardin is a Therapist, Speaker, and Workshop Leader at Hardin Life Resources in Dallas and McKinney, TX.
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