The Glaring Problem With Shame…It’s Not What You Think.
“Shame damages more than your self- esteem. Discover the bigger loss.”
By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC
Shame is such a buzzword in our culture -among therapists, Christians, and self-healing junkies alike.
We all know it’s not good. We’ve all heard it’s worse than guilt because it identifies us as “bad.” We’ve all heard its solution to be “self-compassion.”
But what if by focusing so much on shame, we’ve created a bigger beast?
I woke up after a vivid dream in a cold sweat. I called my mom the next morning with tears in my eyes. I felt heavy, sad, ashamed. I shared with her about how my dream took me back to a time where I had made choices in a relationship that I deeply regretted. My shame felt suffocating as I told her what a selfish, horrible human I was, such a disappointment to God and myself. She told me something that I will never forget –and I hope it invites you to do the same.
“Your shame makes this about you. Choose sorrow instead. Sorrow makes it about God.”
It’s such a fine line between guilt and shame, right? Aren’t we supposed to feel bad about our mistakes? Yes. But there is a difference between feeling bad over something we did (guilt/sorrow) and feeling bad about who we are. Shame keeps us stuck there.
There have been many books written about how to get unstuck from our shame spiral and what it does to our identity… but have we considered how it impacts our ability to heal and grow -both individually and relationally?
As a counselor, so many people step into my office because their shame feels debilitating. I can’t help but notice, though how shame impacts their relationships. When they feel bad about missing the mark in some way, they can’t shake it and their relationships suffer.
That’s the very definition of sin though, isn’t it? Missing the mark. If the Bible says, “ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God,” then we will all continue to miss the mark –again and again. Still, some of us continue to be surprised when we sin, even deny it, which both invite us down the slippery slope of shame, isolation, and condemnation.
Have you considered what happens within our relationships when we are busy beating ourselves up?
Shame is a natural response when we see our sin… but when does shame itself become sinful?
What are the first two commandments? Love God. Love your neighbor. What does shame invite us to do? It’s a backdoor response of choosing self over both God and neighbor.
Consider a new definition of toxic shame: When we choose shame over sorrow.
As opposed to shame, sorrow productively leads us to repentance.
Repentance not only honors God, but it honors the dignity of those we have wounded in our relationships. Shame fails to do either.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHAME AND SORROW WHEN WE BLOW IT:
Shame focuses on intention. “I didn’t mean to, don’t you see?” [I’m not that bad].
Sorrow focuses on reality. “I blew it and my intention to do no harm does not excuse it.”
Shame invites rescue. “I’m so terrible. You shouldn’t love me.”
Sorrow invites repentance. “I am grieved over my sin. I’m committed to change.”
Shame directs attention to you. “I am the worst partner in the world.”
Sorrow directs attention to the relationship (both God & others) “I sinned against you, God. I am deeply grieved.”
Shame keeps us from owning our sin. “I am so bad. I hate how awful I am.”
Sorrow keeps us on the path of reconciliation. “I chose myself over you, and I will take steps to move towards growth and change.”
It’s not up to us to fix ourselves, so why do we keep looking to self, beating up self, and feeling hopeless about changing self?
Remember the words of Miles J. Stanford,
“To be disappointed in yourself is to have believed in yourself.” …Instead of the saving work of Jesus Christ.
“Be confident of this, He who started a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.”
Philippians 1:6
A BIBLICAL APPROACH WHEN WE MESS UP IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH GOD AND OTHERS:
1. Expect to blow it.
All have fallen short (Romans 3:23)
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Romans 7:15)
2. Receive grace AND truth.
“For the Lord your God is gracious and compassionate. He will not turn his face from you if you return to him” (2 Chronicles 30:9)
“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17)
“Speak the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)
3. Call it sin and Grieve your sin (sorrow).
Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight …” (Psalm 51:4).
4. Confess your Sin. Get out loud.
“Confess your sins to one another so you may be healed.” (James 5:16)
5. Repent –turn away from the behavior.
“Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” (Acts 3:19)
“Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13)
6. Grow
“Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.” (Matthew 3:18)
Lastly, He reveals it to heal it!
God doesn’t bring up our sin to rub it in our face to show us how broken we are… He loves us so much that he reveals it (and uses the body of Christ to reveal it) to bring us to our knees so we can nail our sin to the cross. When we do, he forgives us and begins the process of redeeming and growing us!
I have come to find that the Christian life is a journey of love and loss that beckons us to confess, grieve, and surrender to God’s restoration plan —instead of attempting to avoid or outrun it.
Rinse and repeat.
When we can accept the rhythm of the journey, both our identity and relationship with God and others are strengthened.
Begin stepping out of the darkness of shame and into the glorious light of sorrow and hope today!
Audrey Hardin is a Therapist, Speaker, and Workshop Leader at Hardin Life Resources in Dallas and McKinney, TX.
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