Which Parenting Model is Best For Your Kids? Try COSP!

COSP: a perfect blend of the gentleness and the authoritative approach that children need to feel safe and thrive!

Emily Patterson, LICSW-S, RPT™

There are so many different parenting models out there to choose from that parents can have a difficult time knowing where to begin! Since I work with children and parents every day and have spent a lot of time and energy sorting through the best ones, Karla asked me to share about one of my favorite parenting models, Circle of Security Parenting. It’s a perfect blend of the gentleness and the authoritative approach that children need to feel safe.

Circle of Security Parenting

Circle of Security Parenting (COSP) is a relationship-based parenting program for parents of young children that emphasizes two main points:

1) “’All my child needs is for me to be good enough.’ This means there is room to make mistakes in parenting.

2) ‘It’s never too late.’ As I’m learning new ways of parenting, good things will happen for both me and my child.’”

COSP emphasizes caregiving actions that facilitate the formation of a secure attachment bond with a child. Children with a secure attachment to their caregivers enjoy more happiness with their parents, feel less anger at their parents, turn to their parents when they need help, solve problems on their own, get along well with peers, have better relationships with siblings, trust the people they love, and know how to be kind to those around them. Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?

One of the first things the program teaches is the “Circle” – which represents the child’s constant going out and then coming back in to the caregiver.

When children are “going out” on the top part of the circle, they are launching out from the parent to explore their world and need us to support their exploration. We do this by:

1) Watching over them (looking out for danger) 2) Delighting in them (valuing and loving) 3) Helping them (giving verbal and/or hands-on instruction) 4) Enjoying with them (interacting).

When the child is “coming in” on the bottom part of the circle, they need us to welcome their coming to us and meet this next set of needs:

1) Protecting them (providing safety from danger); 2) Comforting them (offering reassurance and care); 3) Delighting in them (valuing and loving); and 4) Organizing their feelings (expressing Anger, Sadness, Frustration, Guilt, or Shame in constructive ways).

The program sums up parenting in a nutshell with three phrases:

         Always: be Bigger, Stronger, Wiser and Kind

         Whenever Possible: Follow my child’s need

         Whenever Necessary: Take Charge

There will always be moments when a child’s need for safety will outweigh another need they may have, and those are “Take Charge” moments. If a child is running into traffic, or throwing rocks at another child, our need to take charge and intervene outweighs their need to explore or their need to have their feelings organized in that moment.

“Being With”

Another concept from COSP that I love is the concept of “Being With.” This concept refers to our ability to understand the feelings that our children have and feel some of what they feel.

When we can join them in their experiences of emotions, it gives them an experience of being safe and connected as they learn about emotions. As caregivers, we can openly accept and help organize whatever our child is feeling, be it painful or pleasurable. “Ouch! That tumble really looked like it hurt! I’ll sit here with you until you feel better.”

 But when we push against our child’s feelings, such as trying to push them into feeling okay, it can leave them feeling alone and misunderstood or even teach them that something is wrong with how they’re feeling. “Oh, that fall didn’t hurt! You’re okay! Shake it off, you’ll be fine!”

Encouragingly, the program states,

“We don’t want to teach our children that the whole world stops every time they have a feeling, but it is important for our children to know at their core that every feeling they have can be shared when the time is right. Only then can they trust that there is no feeling that they have to experience all alone. With that in place, distraction and redirection can be helpful. Here’s some reassuring information: if you are able to Be With and hold your child’s feelings 30% of the time, that seems to be good enough.”

A Parent’s Trigger Moments: “Shark Music”

The last main point that I’d like to mention is something that happens that can cause parents to stop attending to the Circle.  Sometimes our children will have a need that will trigger feelings of discomfort or fear for us as parents, and COSP calls this our “Shark Music.”

For example, if we grew up in a setting in which loud expressions of anger weren’t permitted for us when we were children, we may hear “Shark Music” when our daughter is throwing a loud, yelling temper tantrum. We may process this internally as “I’m a bad mom because I can’t even control my child!” What we also need to remember is that anger is a normal human emotion, and children are expressing themselves like this because they don’t yet know how to express this feeling in a socially acceptable way.

We must override our “Shark Music” and the discomfort we feel with this long enough to “Be With” her in that moment and by help her organize her feelings. If we try to shut her down too soon, or become angry ourselves, we risk sending the message that she can’t come to us with anger and frustration. Learning to help “organize our child’s emotions” can be one of the most challenging needs to meet for most parents, but working on ourselves and learning how to meet this need can make life much easier for everyone!

If you’d like to dive deeper into COSP and how you can create a secure bond with your child, I’d encourage you to seek out a COSP group class or read the book Raising a Secure Child  by Cooper, Hoffman and Powell.

Emily Patterson works as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with Joyworks Counseling, LLC in Fairhope, AL.

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