Are You Stealing Your Own Joy?
“When you experience anticipatory grief, you might sabotage your own opportunities for joy or find yourself saying or doing things to yourself that hold you back.”
By Kari Whatley, LPC
Grief. What does that word mean to you? When have you felt it before?
You’ve probably felt grief after losing a loved one—or maybe even after a divorce or the end of a long-term relationship.
But I want to make you aware that we grieve for so many more situations and life events than we give ourselves permission to admit. While we may grieve less for some of these things than we would for a lost loved one, it is still grief—and we process that grief (or don’t process it) the same way.
Did you know we can experience feelings of grief for…
the life we pictured having.
the job we wanted.
the family life we hoped for.
the parent we always wished was more supportive or loving.
Have you ever faced an event in your life where you were expecting something good and instead experienced something sad?
Not only can we grieve multiple facets of our life, but we can also grieve for the future. This is called “anticipatory grief.” Instead of being able to trust and be present in moments of joy, we instead experience them with an uncomfortable edge, “anticipating” the next bad thing that could happen.
Anticipatory grief can lead to a fear of being happy. After all, if you never allow yourself to feel too happy, then maybe you can prevent yourself from ever feeling too hurt.
But in reality, this strategy is like wearing a heavy winter coat in the middle of summer just in case it gets cold out. Does that sound like a healthy plan?
The subconscious desire to protect ourselves from pain keeps us stuck and afraid. It’s a difficult thing to change because our brain feels safer when we pull the “emergency brake” on joy.
When you experience anticipatory grief, you might sabotage your own opportunities for joy or find yourself saying or doing things to yourself that hold you back.
Things like:
· I shouldn’t get excited about this opportunity.
· I probably shouldn't go on that trip; something terrible might happen.
· I should look for flaws in this person so I can give myself reasons to care for them less.
· I should not trust myself to follow through on this goal because I’ve failed before.
· Maybe the person I love will leave or die, so I should always keep my guard up.
Brené Brown, a researcher of human emotions, said, “joy is our most ‘terrifying’ emotion.” If we embrace joy, the other shoe could drop and hurt us even more. If you have experienced loss or trauma, you know that it can feel like the shoe is always going to drop.
So, we choose not to participate fully in our own lives. We hold up a shield to protect ourselves from grief. A shield in our relationships, a shield in our dreams, and a shield against the unknown.
The trouble is the shield we hold to protect ourselves from pain is often heavier than the pain itself.
Maybe life itself is not exhausting but bracing so intensely against life is exhausting.
That winter coat you’re wearing in summer may be getting hot!
I have a question for you. What if you stopped bracing against the bad and used that same energy to lean into the good? What if you were able to enjoy life in the present, right here and right now? What would that feel like to you?
The answer to “anticipatory grief” is gratitude.
Gratitude that we have something in our lives worthy of grief. When you lean into life with gratitude instead of fear, you regain power over your own joy.
Gratitude is about the present moment, not a fearful future. It helps ground you in the “now,” and chances are that your “now” is going just fine.
This is an exciting opportunity!
The trip you’re planning is going to be so much fun.
Your partner isn’t going to leave me.
You will accomplish that goal.
No one is mad at you.
Right now, at this moment, the fear is simply a false alarm.
It’s not cold out, and you don’t need a winter coat.
This moment is a safe moment to enjoy. You could begin to keep the winter coat in your car, just in case, versus tethering it to you all the time. Eventually, you won’t feel the need for this coat at all. You will develop a trust that if you get cold, you will always have warmth available when you need it.
If you want to use gratitude to lower the voice of anticipatory grief, here are a few thoughts to get you started:
Write out 3 things that are going well in your life right now.
Take a deep breath, and embrace that at this moment, those three things are absolutely true. They really are going well! You can give yourself permission to lean into joy.
Reflect on the closing verse:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7
Kari Whatley is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified by the Equine Assisted Growth and Learning Association. Kari specializes in working with anxiety and PTSD. She counsels privately as well as leads workshops with BPO, Intl.