Relationships: How to Navigate Suffering from “Abrupt Endings”
“No one can prepare you for the pain that follows a relationship ending you didn’t see coming…”
By Philip K. Hardin, MA, MDiv, LMFT, LPC
By Philip K. Hardin, MA, MDiv, LMFT, LPC
Losing SUCKS!
YES! I am a sports fan and I hate when my team loses. But I’m not writing about the latest disappointment over a basketball, football, or baseball game. I’m writing about relationships.
We need relationships. After all, the first thing God said was “not good” in the Bible was for man to be alone. We were designed to be connected to one another. How sad would it be to go through life and have no one to share it with, no one to witness the ups and downs and have your back?
Whether a friend, neighbor, coworker, partner, or family member –all have the ability to satisfy our deepest desire to be fully known and loved for who we are …and all can make us susceptible to our deepest pain.
I recently experienced the sharp criticism from someone I considered to be a friend that hurt and saddened me deeply. The email ended with “I can no longer associate myself with you.” OUCH! If this person intended to hurt me, it worked.
Impact of the Ending
The impact of a relationships that ends abruptly can bring a flood of emotions: feeling blindsided, betrayed, confused, humiliated, misunderstood, sad, and obsessed. If we are honest, it leaves us feeling vulnerable.
Relationships that abruptly end can make us want to avoid, retreat, and even attack or defend ourselves … all at the same time.
We tend to respond in one of two ways:
1. SHAME -we beat ourselves up, questioning “What did I miss?” “How did I not see this?”
2. BLAME -We villainize the other person and see them as “all bad.”
What to do -The Healthy Response
I offer 4 healing steps:
1. GET TRUTHFUL AND GET FEEDBACK
To counter our tendency towards shame and blame, we need to consider both sides of the coin.
Part of this process is to recognize that there are things you could have done better, and the other could have done better.
To do this well, consider seeking wise counsel from others to receive feedback about “what just happened.”
Rarely in life and relationship is something “all good” or “all bad”. We often want to frame it that way to feel better about ourselves. But true healing and resolution comes in being able to see and tell the whole truth.
When we lose a relationship, we can want to move away from all relationships, i.e. “I’ll never date again” … “I don’t need anyone” … I’m not trusting anymore.” That does not work!
The only way not to get stuck in these extremes is to actually feel the sadness.
2. FEEL YOUR SORROW
Allow yourself to fully feel the loss and hurt of the relationship’s ending. This protects you from shame and blame and allows space to grieve and honor what was lost.
The healing is in the feeling. You can’t think your way through loss. You must feel the pain to heal the pain. Hurt hurts!
Try this exercise when the feelings are hard to access:
Finish this sentence:
‘My body is ...’ (tired/crumpled/hurting – whatever fits for you)’.
Now, keep your ending but replace the words, ‘My body is’ with ‘I am’ or ‘My life is’.
Notice what happens when you do that.
The connection between the mind and the body is a powerful one. If you shut down the messages that are coming from your mind, your body will take over. There will be signs in the way you hold yourself, the sensations in your body (heaviness, heartache, tension) and the way it works.
3. ASSESS THE NEXT STEP
Be wise. Assess the possibility of reconciliation. There could be an opportunity to communicate more clearly or directly, take ownership, and do the work to repair the relationship.
As Christians, we always need to ask ourselves – “is there anything I need to do to make it right?”
Moving toward reconciliation is a process and needs to be guided by wisdom and mature counsel. You can forgive without the other person changing, but for trust to be restored, both parties need to own their part in the rupture. Remember: “there are always two shovels in the hole.”
4. MOVE TOWARD GRACE & ACCEPTANCE
When there’s no other step to take, entrust the outcome to the Lord.
God is not hesitant to use pain and loss in our lives to grow us and transform us. Be open to have your heart broken to see Him give you a deeper experience of His love and direction for your life. Your loss may be “new beginnings,” not the end.
Throughout the Gospels, we see Jesus losing many relationships, but for the joy set before him, endured the cross -the ultimate suffering, to bring forth life for us.
If you believe that, then make the most of this pain, knowing God has chosen this path to grow and gratify you in ways that last.
No relationship you have in this life will last forever, but the good things that happen through them in you — even through the sorrows, yes even through their collapses — will.
Ride ON!
Phil
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Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL.
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