How Setting Boundaries Can Make or Break Your Holiday
“If we don’t have a plan, we will fall right into the typical unhealthy dynamics of our family. Develop your plan today!”
By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC
Let’s be honest, family can be tough! Especially around big family events like the holidays. Expectations run high (or extremely low); and if those don’t wear us out, emotions like anxiety, disappointment, anger, and grief will.
As much as we’ve worked to grow and mature once we (or our kids) left the nest, it seems we revert to the very patterns of behavior we fought hard to leave in the past.
Why is this so? It’s simple. It’s the hardest to be the “evolved you” with family –even Jesus noted that a prophet has no honor in his hometown. No matter how much we have grown, if we don’t have a plan, we will fall right into the classic dynamics of our family –i.e. the way they handle emotions, different viewpoints, roles, and expectations. Read more on this here.
Let’s consider the life of Melissa and Mike:
Melissa is hosting her family for the holidays. Every year she works hard to anticipate all the potential hiccups and misunderstandings to avoid hurt feelings and disruptions to the family peace. She fears that if she drops the ball with the food or forgets a gift or activity someone likes, everything will erupt. Meanwhile, her husband Mike glues himself to his chair, phone, and tv to avoid the potential drama.
Neither strategy ends well. For Melissa, she spent her holiday season giving herself away to appease and please the family. For Mike, he shut himself down and out of the line of fire so much that he missed the joys of being with his kids and extended family. Both utilized their own protective strategies to keep “safe”.
However, when we focus on avoiding potential pain, we miss out on two things: maturing in our relationships and enjoying the people God has placed in front of us.
Here’s the deal: you don’t have to silently suffer through the holidays this year. Instead, you can set yourself up to ENJOY them by imploring one simple strategy. BOUNDARIES.
So many of us feel powerless to what happens over the holidays with our families –with our own emotions (like living in stress, anxiety, and overwhelm) as well as powerless to control our outer dynamics with others. The truth? —We aren’t powerless with either.
Boundaries exist to keep the good in and the bad out.
We as individuals are responsible for valuing and protecting the skin we are in. We are the gatekeepers who get to decide what happens outside of us and what happens inside of us. We get to decide if the dog wags the tail, or the tail wags the dog.
There are two types of boundaries you need to consider: external and internal.
EXTERNAL BOUNDARIES
External boundaries are guidelines that you establish to govern the way you interact with the people around you (and the ways in which you allow them to interact with you).
For example, you may have guidelines surrounding your physical space (how close is too close), your time, your privacy, your dignity and self-worth. You get to decide how people treat you by communicating your boundaries –as well as setting consequences for when your boundaries are broken. (read more about consequences here.
For Melissa to prevent the fate of the holiday season from resting on her shoulders, she would need to set some external boundaries with her family.
For example, She might say:
· “If you have a favorite dish you want to be included in the meal, please bring it or let’s plan to make it together at ___time.”
· “I would love to be able to do it all, but I have limitations. Relative 1 and 2, would you mind being in charge of clean up for meals.”
· “Everyone is on their own for breakfast, but your father and I would love if everyone could join us for ____ meal.”
· “Please bring activities for your kids to enjoy as I am limited with time and resources to keep them entertained.”
· With her husband Mike, she could say: Mike, I would love for you to be able to enjoy relaxing this season, but I am limited on how much I can manage. Please be present with ___activities, and let’s touch base in the evenings to make sure we remain on the same team.”
For Mike: He can set aside specific times to engage with his family intentionally … even on an individual basis and still carve out time for himself by communicating boundaries with his time and space.
“Hey guys, so glad you are here. Let’s set some time between 9-noon to get some quality time in. I will be watching the game between noon and 3 pm today.”
INTERNAL BOUNDARIES
Internal Boundaries are guidelines that you establish within yourself to protect yourself by keeping the good thinking in and the bad thinking out. Internal boundaries help you to take responsibility for what happens inside of you.
You may have guidelines about the way you talk to yourself, the way you respond internally when you feel triggered, accomplishing your goals, keeping promises to yourself, and detaching from unhealthy emotions or patterns of behavior.
For example,
Melissa has room to set some internal boundaries surrounding family gatherings.
She may remind herself that if she makes a mistake and forgets something important that it does not change her value and she will not waste time beating herself up.
When someone looks sad or disappointed, I won’t immediately make it my responsibility to fix it, but instead consider my role and trust the Lord that he will take care of them in their sadness.
For Mike,
He may say to himself: even when I’m overwhelmed with the chaos of the home, I don’t have to retreat into myself and avoid. I can engage my family on topics we both feel comfortable with…. Or I can go outside and take a break to reset before I come back in.
Or: Before I pop off in anger due to the stress I’m feeling, I will take some deep breaths and remind myself that I am in control of my emotions, not the room around me.
We will not always get the result that we want. Some of us will communicate our boundaries and expectations and still receive pushback. When this happens, remind yourself of one thing: “I am worth advocating for.”
How do I know this? Jesus advocates for me with the Father daily and will never stop. He determines my worth and value, and it is my job to live out this identity by taking ownership of my life and relationships.
Boundaries are the fence around the mansion; it keeps the good in and the bad out. We’ve got to maintain the fence to preserve the beauty and dignity of our home. And when we do, not only will we be happier, but those around us will be too.
It is freeing for our families when they know what we want and need while we remain flexible. It is freeing to remember we are not powerless but powerful, responsible, and valuable human beings created in the image of God himself.
Remember, with boundaries, no one is left guessing or tip-toeing or feeling exhausted…which makes room for real, meaningful connection with one another.
I hope you have the best holiday season as you take the time to outline your boundaries for yourself and truthfully and lovingly communicate them to your family.
Audrey Hardin is a Therapist, Speaker, and Workshop Leader at Hardin Life Resources in Dallas and McKinney, TX.
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