4 Lies We All Tell to Protect Our Relationships

By Karla Hardin, MS LPC

There are a lot of reasons people lie.

Usually lying falls into two general categories –selfish gain or avoiding pain. We can pay someone an insincere compliment to get something we want. Or we can lie to not get in trouble.

But for me, I have been tempted to lie and have lied for less obvious, deeper reasons.

When Audrey was younger, she lied to “enhance” the truth. We called it “sparkling”. This type of lying didn’t appear to keep her out of trouble or get her anything in return so it was confusing to us why she did it.

If we’re honest, we can all find moments where lying seems to be the easier or more automatic response when we feel our relationships are at stake.

Why does it sometimes feel easier for you to lie than tell the truth in day-to-day life –even when you know it’s wrong to do?

I discovered that the ultimate answer to this question starts with the beginning –both the beginning of humanity and the beginning of our individual life (our development years).

The VERY Beginning

We were created in God’s image and our very design – physically, emotionally, spiritually and socially, was free to thrive because all of our needs were met, and we were safe in God’s protective love.

But Adam and Eve’s defiant sin to try “get more” ruptured not only our sense of safety but brought on the realization that now we were left to meet our own needs in every area.

This reality changed our physiology, and neurobiology, along with our spiritual, emotional and relational realities. Our safety was gone along with our innocent ability to trust God to meet all of our needs.

As the consequence of their sin, we lost ‘freedom and rest’ and it was replaced by ‘striving and fear’ in every area of our lives – spiritually, emotionally, physically and relationally.

It is this reality that every child is born into. Each child innately knows that he is “on his own” to meet his own needs and keep himself safe.

This is where developmental lies begin.

The Beginning of Our Life + Lies

All of us are born and develop with the instinctual understanding that we are dependent on our caregiver to meet our needs and keep us safe. And yet, because of our broken fellowship with God –we believe we must control the world and our relationships to insure we get these things.

Now, let’s look at 4 DEVELOPMENTAL LIES that can reflect the child’s fear of not having their basic needs for safety and care met:

1. Sparkling Lies

These enhancing or exaggerated lies hope to make the person they are talking to “feel good” by being more entertaining. The often-unconscious developmental strategy is hoping to “endear” themselves to this person so that they won’t be abandoned by them.

2. Agreeable Lies

These lies reduce any chance of friction or disappointment for the other person. When asked if they are good with a certain restaurant, they immediately say yes –even if they really don’t want to go there. This person is afraid to take the chance on being rejected if they don’t always agree.

3. Preventative Lies

These lies are focused on preventing any opportunity for anger, conflict or criticism. The fear is that if these things are present then I will be labeled as flawed and then can be rejected. Often times these lies aren’t even covering up anything but rather they are anticipating any “possibility” of a negative response and already diffusing it.

4. Pain-free Lies

These lies are focused on ensuring that you never cause pain to anyone as the fear is that if you cause pain then people will label you, leave or reject you. This person “withholds” all of the truth in fear of a negative response. Thus, it is a lie because the truth is intentionally withheld.

You can see how these developmental lies are insidious and instinctual. We do them before we even consciously plan to. Their end goal is always to ensure our safety and maintain connection so our needs are met.

Developmental lies live in the subconscious and that is often why we are so shocked when we do them –over and over again. They must be seen as a sin to be confessed, but we need to recognize that FEAR is always at the root of these lies.

THE REMEDY FOR DEVELOPMENTAL LIES:

1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love.”

John 8:32 says, “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

These two verses are our road back to honesty.

Why? Because they tell us where the problem lies and where the solution is found.

Our problem is…

FEAR because we stepped out of trusting God for protecting us and meeting our needs and now, we are relying on our strength and control to do what only God can do.

Realizing I have fear because I am trusting in myself to meet my needs and keep myself safe is the road home for us prodigals.

Our solution is…

TRUTH because it restores the freedom and rest that we long for. When you and I start telling the true truth and no longer trust in ourselves to meet our own needs or keep ourselves safe then we no longer fear “what mere men can do to me”.

When you and I are no longer dependent on another person’s acceptance or value of us, we are free to tell the truth. We are free to be our flawed selves when we receive His perfect love.

Start today!

Take time to consider your lying tendencies and what truth you fail to believe in your own life that perpetuates them.

Until we get honest with ourselves, we will never be fully honest with God or with others and ultimately miss out on the FREEDOM to THRIVE in all of our relationships.

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Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources

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