Does Your Family Struggle with Codependency?
“Codependency: The undetected bad family pattern that can take a good family down!”
By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC
By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC
Bad patterns in families are numerous and complex. One pattern that I often see in my counseling room is a family member living their life through another family member.
It may be a father looking for validation through his son, a mother looking for identification through a son or daughter, or a child looking to please Mom or Dad so much that they are crippled in finding who God created them to be. We call this pattern codependency.
Codependency Defined
Codependency means to be dependent on others for your self-worth. It is seeking the approval from another for your personal value. This pattern in a family is destructive because the weight of your life is being carried by someone else.
…To put this unconscious expectation on a child can be devastating, unfair, and ruin a promising life.
Codependency is a harmful addiction, just like any other bad pattern. It can kill a family.
Are you Codependent?
Are you struggling with codependency right now? Here are six signs you may be codependent:
You’re allowing or enabling unhealthy behaviors in your relationships, and in turn they are endorsing your unhealthy behaviors.
You’re sick all the time because you’re stressed out from helping everyone else except yourself.
You have low self-worth, despite making others feel good about themselves.
You feel devalued by those in relationships with you.
Your mood is dictated by the mood of those closest to you.
You’re angry about the way you are treated but keep your feelings to yourself, causing bitterness to rise.
This is just a short list, but some key signs to pay attention to.
Dr. Henry Cloud, Christian Psychologist, says:
“You know you’re codependent when, right before you die, somebody else’s life flashes before your eyes.”
That’s kind of funny …unless it’s true of YOU!
How do you overcome your codependency?
First,
recognize the Bible is clear that you are to live your life only –not anyone else’s. Galatians 6:2 and 6:5 make it clear where you stop, and the other person begins.
2 Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. 5 For each one must carry his own load. Verse 4 explains why this needs to happen: 4 But each one must examine his own work, and then he will have reason for boasting in regard to himself alone, and not in regard to another.
Bearing means to come alongside and encourage and care for others as they take on their responsibilities. But to carry our own burdens clarifies who has responsibility for the burden. You and I will only stand before God and give account for how we have handled our responsibilities. Also, note that if someone else is trying to carry my load I get no joy or appropriate pride in being faithful with my own work.
These verses are clear. You must separate! You must separate while still being caring and connected.
What is HEALTHY separating?
Separating means you stop trying to force the outcome that you want. You allow the other person to be their unique self. You must become responsible for yourself and not expect the other person to somehow be responsible for your happiness or well-being.
Separate with LOVE
I use the term separate with love to remind you that separating is a loving action. It is knowing how to say “NO” with love.
The most amazing character quality for me about Jesus is His wisdom and ability to say “NO” when He could have healed another person.
Jesus’s mission that did not always include doing what others expected him to do.
Separating doesn’t mean pushing people away or not caring about them. Separating isn’t angry or withholding love. It’s letting go of controlling or worrying about the other person. You must learn to put responsibility back on the individual.
Separating also isn’t cutting ties or ending a relationship (although, at times, that can be the healthiest choice). Separating helps you to stay in relationship and not lose your sense of self.
Separating is setting boundaries. Separating puts healthy emotional or physical space between you and your loved one to give you both the freedom to make your own choices and have your own feelings. I think of separating as untangling your life from someone else’s so that your feelings, beliefs, and actions aren’t driven as a response to what someone else is doing.
Separating is a process.
Separating is something you do repeatedly in relationships. Like setting boundaries, it’s not something you do once and then forget about!
Final Thoughts on Separating –Do This!
1. Practice Self-Control:
Focus on what you can control. Differentiate what’s in your control and what if the other’s responsibility. Respond don’t react. Take time to figure out what you want to say and say it when you are calm rather than being quick to react in the moment.
2. Respect Others:
Allow others to make their own (good or bad) decisions. Don’t give advice or tell people what they should do. Don’t obsess about other people’s problems.
3. Set Boundaries:
Set emotional boundaries by letting others know how to treat you. Give your expectations a reality check. Unrealistic expectations are often the source of frustration and resentment.
4. Value Self-Care:
Do something for yourself. Notice what you need right now and try to give it to yourself. This requires you to be a student of yourself and increase in your self-awareness.
5. Physically Separate:
Sometimes you may need to leave physically to overcome a toxic relationship. Leave unproductive, dangerous situations. Ask for help from a trusted friend or counselor before executing this option.
Overcoming codependency is not easy. It is something that you will need to practice. It goes counter to a codependent’s nature, but it’s possible when you work at it. You are stronger and more capable than you may think. Separating is a way out of the chaos, worry, and emotional pain you’re experiencing. Bring order to your life.
Begin where you are, practice and learn, and in time you’ll see that separating is not only possible but freeing.
Jesus said, “I have come to set the captives free.”
Be free! Be YOU!!!
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Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL.
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