What Do Good Dads Say? - “I WILL!”
“Being willing to see ourselves as we are is the beginning of becoming what our children need us to be. Consider 3 ways to become a better Dad.”
By Philip K. Hardin, MDiv, LMFT, LPC
By Philip K. Hardin, MDiv, LMFT, LPC
Father’s Day is an opportunity to consider our journey as men. “Where are you?” is the question that God asked Adam after the Fall. It is the question that we use in our Men’s Coaching Weekends to invite men to become intentional and deliberate about their journey toward wholeness and holiness. Father’s Day is a great time to consider that question afresh as Father’s. Where are you?
I would invite you to take a personal assessment of what a whole & holy father is.
As I explored what the Bible calls fathers to be -Whole and Holy, I felt challenged to first and foremost be willing -willing to receive input, to listen, and to grow.
I will never achieve wholeness and holiness and raise children who feel seen, valued, and take responsibility if I don’t accept responsibility for my resistance, justifications, or passivity. …Am I willing? Then, will I commit?
COMMITMENT
Commitment requires involvement in relationship.
We fathers need to stand up and say, “I will!” I will be involved in being and becoming a good father. I will to be the best father I can be! I will love well and seek to become better. It’s like the old breakfast joke: “the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.”
I will commit my life to becoming all I can be to offer a model my children can follow and learn how to best instruct them how to live whole and holy life.
“Fathers, don’t frustrate your children with no-win scenarios. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.” Ephesians 6:2
We fathers frustrate our children when we seek to guide them when there is no real relationship.
To be relational means to listen, to see, to empathize, and to care for the other person.
We need to learn how to attach and bond with our children before we can expect them to listen to our instructions. We cannot lead our children without a close connection. All healing is relational.
Good fathers are committed to being relational.
Too many Dads are more committed to their profession, hobbies, or financial security than the development of their son or daughter. Fathers need to take seriously the words in I Timothy 5:8
“Anyone who neglects to care for family members in need repudiates the faith. That’s worse than refusing to believe in the first place.”
Suggested Book: “Make Your Bed: Little Things That Can Change Your Life...And Maybe the World” by Admiral William H. McRaven
3 Ways to Move Towards Commitment: “I WILL!”
1. COMMIT TO GROW
I believe we must commit to become mature, wise fathers.
Simply having birthdays and getting older does not mean we are growing and maturing. Growth is about looking in the mirror and seeing with the eyes of our hearts.
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
God even instructs us to see Scripture as a mirror so that we’re not using the Bible as just a means to gain information but allowing God to speak to me and His Word be a mirror to my heart.
“Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don’t act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like. –James 1:22-24 [The Message]
Growth is about seeing your blind spots—the broken, hurtful, and painful ways of relating that bring disconnection. We need to see those areas, admit to them—own them and repent of those ways.
All fathers could be better and do better, but don’t, because they choose to do what they know to do.
If we learned a better way, we could be better!
Being willing to see ourselves as we are is the beginning of becoming what our children need us to be.
Response: I WILL!
Suggested Book: “Changes That Heal: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You” by Cloud, Henry.
2. COMMIT TO HEAL
It may sound cliché, but most men suffer from “father wounds.”
Many men did not experience the guidance and instruction they needed to be confident in their manhood. Boys get older and are called men because they have birthdays, but becoming a man is an act of training and modeling.
Most men cannot remember times their dads sat with them and coached them on how to treat a woman or resolve a ruptured relationship. Some may be lucky enough to have been taught on how to build a fence, catch a fish, or throw a ball, but many were not even shown how to do those kinds of healing those wounds.
If those wounds are not faced, owned, and work done to heal them, then fathers will project those wounds on their wife, model their unhealthy way of coping to their children, or simply repeat history.
Men who face their wounds find a way to be fathered by another man or a group of men. A good counselor can help a man become a healthy father by helping them see their broken lives that are evident in their anger and rebellious or discouraged children.
John Eldredge says this:
“There are no formulas with God. The way in which God heals our wound is a deeply personal process. He is a person and he insists on working personally. For some, it comes in a moment of divine touch. For others, it takes place over time and through the help of another, maybe several others. As Agnes Sanford says, ‘There are in many of us wounds so deep that only the mediation of someone else to whom we may 'bare our grief' can heal us.’“
So much of my healing has taken place in my life simply through my friendships with other men and living in community with a group of men who have fathered me.
Just spending time with a man, I respect, real men who love one another and care and respect me—nothing heals quite like that.
Remember—masculinity is bestowed by masculinity. But, there have been other significant ways in which God has worked times of healing for me through prayer, times of grieving the wound, and forgiving my father. Most of all, times of deep communion with God, the Perfect Father.
The point is this: Healing never happens outside of intimacy with Christ. The healing of our wound flows out of our union with Him.
Response: “I WILL!”
Suggested Book: “Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul” John Eldredge
3. COMMIT TO GIVE
Fathers who are genuinely ready to give to their children are men who have done or engaged in their work of healing and who are committed to growth. They see their children as hungry, who need love and instruction to live life well.
Here are some suggestions from understanding what the Jewish Blessing was.
5 Elements of Jewish Blessing - What a Good Dad gives a son or daughter:
1. Meaningful Touch
Standing close, putting your hands on the child’s head, and perhaps a kiss to seal the event are all tactile. This speaks especially to children whose love language is physical touch. Meaningful touch communicates love and personal acceptance.
2. Spoken Words
Our children need to hear why we believe in them and what we value. Children who get only silence from their parents interpret that to mean they are unworthy of attention, that something’s wrong with them. It can set them on a lifelong search for approval (Genesis 48:20).
3. Word Pictures of High Value
Speak about one of your child’s specific positive traits. For example, "You bring light and joy with you wherever you go." Or, "You keep your integrity even when others pressure you to cave in."
Express your appreciation for his or her potential. This shouldn’t be a prediction (e.g., I know you’ll be a doctor just like your grandfather). Rather it should reflect awareness that this child is a work in progress, someone developing with mighty potential for good (Genesis 49:22-26).
4. Picturing a Special Future
Our kids need hope that the future holds a place for them. You can illuminate a path of promise for them based on their true gifts.
For example, say, "I can see that your gift for music is going to bring the world a lot of joy” (Genesis 27:27-41).
5. A Commitment to Seeing the Blessing Fulfilled
This means you are declaring your intention and willingness to do whatever it takes to fulfill this blessing for your child. You promise to be there to guide, support, coach, and do whatever it takes to help your child achieve a worthy future. You vow to tend to his or her best interests, which you will discover by becoming a student of your child.
Response: “I WILL!”
Dads, I hope you will say “I will!” I will commit to grow, to heal, and to give.
Ride ON!
Phil
Further Reading:
“The Blessing: Giving the Gift of Unconditional Love and Acceptance” by John Trent & Gary Smalley.
“LIONS WERE BORN TO ROAR – A Man’s Guide to Tackling Life & Relationships” by Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M.Div.
Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL. Phil’s heart is for men to personally experience God’s redemptive plan through sharing their story with a community committed to whole, authentic living. Check out Men’s Coaching Weekends to learn more.
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