The Unexpected Gains from Loss
“COVID-19, Mom, and Duke, all stir feelings of grief but also reveal great reward. Consider three ways loss is invaluable.”
By Philip K. Hardin, MDiv, LMFT, LPC
By Philip K. Hardin, MDiv, LMFT, LPC
My life is different today. I have grown through the Plague of 2020. I am focused and listening to what God is doing, especially seeing how God uses loss as a means of shaping and growing me.
The loss for all of us since the pandemic is obvious. I have taken time to reflect on how important grieving is to life. Seeing the gain in loss is difficult, but part of the redemptive story of God is seeing new life come forth in loss…
Family Loss
My mother entered eternity six years ago at the age of 84. She loved me and my sister with abundant, self-sacrificing love. I am grateful for her unwavering attention to our welfare. I remember walking into her hospital room when she was having a minor surgical procedure and bursting into tears. It hurt me to think of my mother suffering in any kind of way.
Honoring her, being grateful for her, and remembering her is a significant part of who I am as a husband, father, and leader.
Good-bye Duke
I am also walking through the loss of my dog, Duke, my long-time companion and shadow. I had twelve years with him as a rescue dog. I sat down last Saturday and wrote a “good-bye” letter I include here:
Dear Duke,
The last day of April will forever be etched in my memory as your last day I had with you. Saying good-bye to you has been hard. My head keeps telling me “he’s a dog” and my heart tells me “he’s a gift from God!”
I would have never been blessed by you if I had not listened to God while sitting on the beach and heard Him say in my heart: “I want you to have a dog—get a dog!” That was the moment you were born in my heart. God spoke you into my heart.
Ironically, it was 9 months later when God brought you to me. Like a child being conceived and birthed, God handed you to me at a Rescue House in Hammond, LA. I remember you being brought to me. I felt like I was 8 years old receiving my first dog—the dog I never had as a child. I felt like a man – I could NOW be described as “a man and his dog.” You brought LIFE to me in only the way God intended through a dog.
Three months after your arrival, you jumped into the floorboard of my Suburban upon my return from a Men’s Coaching Adventure trip in Colorado as if to say, “Don’t ever leave me again!” We were meant to be a TEAM. You became my shadow. You went everywhere I went that you could go!
YES! It sure seems to be more than a coincidence that D-O-G spelled backward is G-O-D!
As tears flow down my cheeks and my nose drips on the page, my heart is filled with the JOY of being loved by you and NOW the grief of missing you!
C. S. Lewis said:
“ To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Duke, you taught me so much about vulnerability and love. Your presence calmed me and many others. Your unintrusive way was reassuring. Your companionship empowered me to face the day. No doubt, your presence has been the incarnational presence of Jesus to me.
You got me, Duke … you really did … you were the perfect dog for me!
You sat at my feet and listened to hundreds of hurting people tell their story.
You were with me @ Ebenezer Place when men experienced the transforming power of Jesus as they shared vulnerably and received the healing power of His grace and love.
You protected me by peeing on the guys foot when you felt his aggression.
You rode with me for six years as we drove from Fairhope to Jackson and back, laying by my side, content to be with me.
You even suffered quietly and bravely when your pain was great. I wonder, did I keep you here too long for my own selfish comfort? You were a brave soul – my Hero Dog!
Vince Gill wrote and recorded “Go Rest High on That Mountain” following the death of his older brother Bob. When I listen to the song and read the lyrics, I feel my own passion and pain that Vince Gill put into the song in wishing the best to those that go to God, even dogs.
God uses loss for our gain. Death helps us to understand what is important in life. I suggest you consider three elements of valuing loss as a part of your life and personal and spiritual growth:
3 Ways to Value Loss
First, HONOR
Understand the value of what you have. We often do not appreciate what we have until we lose it.
Proverbs 6:20-23, God’s Word tells us to pay attention to our fathers and to listen to our mothers. We are to hold their instruction in our hearts and tie them around our necks. In return, we receive guidance, protection, teaching and discipline—four ingredients no one can afford to live without. Value what God has given as His means to provide for your welfare. Don’t take it for granted.
Second, GRATITUDE
Acknowledge how you are better for having experienced the relationship with mother, dog, or loved one. Gratitude is our emotion that relates to our ability to feel and express thankfulness and appreciation.
Research clearly shows that expressing gratitude improves mental, physical and relational well-being. Being grateful also impacts the overall experience of happiness, and these effects tend to be long-lasting.
Third, REMEMBER
We are not made for this world. Remembering gives us hope.
We remember God’s promises and provisions and it inspires hope for the journey ahead. We were made for more. The one Hebrew word you don’t want to forget is the word for remember: zakar.
To zakar is to employ your hands and feet and lips to engage in whatever action that remembrance requires. Biblical remembering is a body activity, not merely a head activity.
For example, my remembering Duke was a full body experience as I felt the loss and celebrated his life. My body was engaged, not just my head. I felt his life and his death. Remembering inspires trust that what God has done in the past, will also be completed in the future.
May you honor all those who have given to you, especially your Mother!
May you practice gratitude for all that you have. Life is a gift!
May you remember how God has given and taken away in the past, so that you may trust him and draw strength for today!
Ride ON!
Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL.
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