What Is Your Response Style?
“Take this 3-question quiz to discover how you typically respond to conflict.”
-Abigail Cole Hardin, CLC; PNLP
By Abigail Cole Hardin, CLC; PNLP
Whenever a problem or conflict happens, we have a choice of how we respond. A response involves action. We will be active one way or another. Which kind of active describes you?
There are two options: RE-active or PRO-active.
Before you decide, choose which response you’re most likely to have in certain situations.
Situation 1.
Your boss gives you a deadline for a presentation. The presentation requires financials from your coworker, so you immediately request it from him. Your coworker keeps putting it off. You continue to politely follow up each week. Now it is the week you must present, and your boss asks to see your presentation beforehand. You know it is missing a huge portion from your coworker.
What is your response?
A. Email your boss showing how it’s your coworker’s fault by never answering your requests, and copying the co-worker on the email, so he has to take responsibility.
B. You don’t answer your boss just yet and quickly ask another coworker who has more influence to ask for the financials and you avoid the negligent coworker altogether.
C. Ask your boss for an extension and absorb responsibility while continuing to keep politely asking the coworker and offering to do anything to make it easier for him to get them to you.
D. Send the boss what you have and hope he doesn’t notice that the financials are missing.
E. You go directly to your coworker and confront him regarding his lack of response. You set a clear boundary that you need the financials by end of day. You state that if you do not receive them, you will inform the boss of his lack of follow through.
Situation 2.
Your partner/roommate agreed to keep the kitchen clean in a conversation. However, you notice she never puts away her dishes, and they continually build up in the sink where you can’t use it.
What is your response?
A. The next time you run into her, you snap at her angrily about it—hoping she sees how wrong she was and never does it again.
B. You keep eating out, so you don’t have to be in the kitchen or around her mess.
C. You wash the dishes for her every time hoping she will notice.
D. You never confront her and quit asking her for help. You accept that this is your reality and try to avoid using the sink – even using paper plates if necessary.
E. You set aside a time to directly talk with her about the issue. In a calm tone you ask why she is not cleaning. You listen while considering her answer. Then you explain that you feel disrespected when she doesn’t wash her dishes. You offer possible solutions to help, but end with saying it’s unacceptable to continue this way.
Situation 3.
A friend directly tells you that your behavior was offensive to her.
What is your response?
A. You dismiss her allegation and tell her that she is too sensitive because you don’t mean it offensively. You may also remind her of the times she has been offensive.
B. You quickly apologize, but over time, you start to hang out with other people and avoid her.
C. You apologize multiple times telling her you will never do it again and you strive to make it up to her (even weeks later).
D. You respond, “Oh, I didn’t realize that.” You don’t say any more about it, hoping the conflict will pass.
E. You truly listen and let her explain how she experienced your behavior. You let her know you understand how that could be offensive to her. You thank her for confronting you because you want to be a better friend.
Now tally up your answers!
If you answered mostly “E,” then your response style is proactive. The proactive response may require more time, involvement and thought, but it usually provides the most resolve.
On the other hand, if you answered any choices other than E, your response style is reactive.
Unfortunately, most people have a “reactive” style and this can lead to more conflicts. Yet, some are not aware of how they could have a proactive response.
It’s easy to confuse reactivity with proactivity because we think that by reacting, we are “doing something immediately” -which might be confused with being proactive.
However, proactivity is not about “doing something immediately” but being thoughtful and resourceful.
Being resourceful in our response means accessing two of our resources -time and space.
I realize my knee-jerk reaction is usually never my most resourceful. I don’t think things through. I let my emotions like panic, stress, fear or shame dictate my response instead of taking a step back and truly observing the conflict.
I’ve learned that reactivity usually stems from our survival mode, which we refer to as the Four-F’s: Fight, Flight, Fawn, and Freeze.
We can have a combination of these response styles depending on the situation. This a rough assessment, but generally, if you answered:
Mostly A’s, you’re a Fight style.
Mostly B’s, you’re a Flight style.
Mostly C’s, you’re a Fawn style.
Mostly D’s, you’re a Freeze style.
We all have the ability to be proactive, but if you notice that you tend to have a reactive style, it might stem from something deeper than needing more mindfulness or time and space.
Through our non-profit, Business and Professional Outreach International (BPO Intl.), we address these survival reactions in our Hardwired to Heal workshops.
We recognize that these reactions were resourceful in our lives at some point, but that does not mean that they continue to work for us.
If we remain stuck in our reactivity, we miss out on the most resourceful option—our proactivity.
A simple way to access your proactive response it to first breathe long deep breaths. This signals your parasympathetic nervous system to calm you, so you don’t have a stress response.
Taking time to step back from a conflict and think allows you to center your thoughts and assess your options and how much responsibility you need to take. This helps insure that we don’t overly respond or under respond. We are also more likely to speak calmly in conversations and confrontations.
So, as you’re evaluating your responses,
NOTICE if you’re allowing time and space to think and calm your emotions. The more you do, the more proactive of a response. And the more proactive the response, the less conflicts you will have!
Abigail Cole Hardin is a Certified Life Coach and a Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner for Hardin Life Resources
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