5 Tips to Consider Before You Confront

“Confrontation, especially with those you are close to, is never easy, but with these tips, it can be done well.”

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

When you want to help someone see a blind spot that is hurting you or the relationship at large, work SMARTer not harder by using the SMART method.

This method helps you to avoid “emotional dumping” of all the ways this person has hurt you throughout the relationship. It also avoids language such as “every,” “always,” and “never” that can immediately put the person in a defensive position.

The goal is to be heard, yes, but ultimately it is to love this person well by inviting them to see an area they have totally been blind to throughout the relationship with you and others.

Proverbs 27:17 reminds us, “as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” God calls us to sharpen one another …to sharpen —not drown, shame, or judge.

When we give a person concrete facts, it helps them to specifically understand what they did so they have the hope of exploring it more and eventually growing to change the behavior.

So, when you consider confronting a “repeat-offender,” first identify if you can break down the offense/ “Blind-spot” into these 5 SMART objectives: 

SPECIFIC 

Name a specific issue/behavior that you see as troublesome and/or hurtful. Do not make generalizations such as, “ You are acting selfish”.

MEASURABLE

Be sure you can give numerous examples. When a person has a blind spot, they will think they only do it occasionally. So, they will need several examples to see it is a pattern.

ATTAINABLE 

Be prepared to give examples of how an appropriate response/behavior was attainable. People tend to excuse their hurtful or irresponsible behavior based on situational circumstances.

Ex: “I was rushed so of course I said it in an angry tone!” Response: “Even though you were rushed you could have told me that in a kind tone.”

RELEVANT 

Describe how their behavior is relevant in your relationship with them.

Ex: When you show up late repeatedly, I feel disrespected, and I don’t want to go out of my way to help you.”

TIME-BOUND ACCOUNTABILITY 

Ask if for a time period, you can bring it to their attention when they continue the behavior as a way of helping them become more conscious.

Ex: “I don’t expect you to change overnight, so would it be okay if I can respectfully point out when it happens over this next month as a way to help you break the habit?”

Played out in real time, it may look something like this: 

REQUEST: Sally, I need to talk with you about something I’ve noticed in our relationship. When can we set aside time to do so?

[Meeting with Sally]*

* This is a great opportunity to utilize the sandwich method: BREAD [“Soft stuff”], MEAT [Substance of what you need them to hear], BREAD [“Soft stuff”]

BREAD: “Thank you for meeting with me to hear what I have to say. I truly value our friendship/working-relationship, and it is important to me that we maintain it.

MEAT: 

[S] Sally, last week you canceled our plans at the last minute, and I have realized, it has happened several times before.

[M] Most recently, it happened Time 1, Time 2, and Time 3. If you need more examples, I am happy to share but again, these are the most recent. 

[A] Even though I realize you have had a reason each time for canceling, there are clear ways you could have avoided canceling on me at the last minute. For instance, you could’ve checked ahead to determine what time your friend needed you to pick her up from the airport before you committed. Or, you could’ve asked your family if they had another time to go look at cars besides the time we had planned to go out.

[R] This hurts me because it feels like my time is not valuable or respected and ultimately, I am not valuable to you or respected by you in comparison to those people and circumstances you prioritized and said “yes” to over me.   

[T] As much as you can, if you need to change our plans, I would appreciate you canceling 48 hours before so I have time to make other plans.

BREAD: Thank you for being willing to hear my concern and willing to grow in this area. It helps me to feel cared for/respected in our friendship/relationship and that means a lot.”

Remember, the behavior may not change overnight, but you can rest knowing you invited the other person to see their hurtful behavior and grow in maturity to love you and others better; this protects you from harboring your hurt and resenting them later.

1 John 3:18 “…we must no longer love one another with words or speech but with actions and TRUTH.”

Audrey Hardin is a Staff Therapist and Speaker at The Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology in Dallas, TX.

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