How Enmeshment Can Hurt Your Blended Family

Enmeshment can provide a false sense of safety because we have been raised to believe that closeness protects us…

By Rachel Dunne, ALC and Certified Stepfamily Coach, “Spiritual Stepmom”

Enmeshment: a family pattern in which there are no psychological boundaries between family members.

I think it’s safe to say that we have all heard about “enmeshment” at some point in our lives, or at the very least stumbled across a post on “boundaries” while mindlessly scrolling on social media. Then there are some people who must be told directly by a mental health professional: “your family is a classic example of enmeshment.”

It’s me. I am “some people”.

In an enmeshed family, it can appear from the outside that a family is incredibly “tight-knit,” with a healthy kind of closeness, but in reality, family members are unhealthily intertwined; emotionally dependent (and reactive) to one another; and often lack development of individual identity, separateness, and emotional independence.

Common Characteristics of an Enmeshed family:

•      Lack boundaries

•      Children not encouraged to individuate and become emotionally independent

•      Intrusive or needy quality to relationships

•      Over-sharing or demands to know all about your life

•      You're expected to conform to family norms and traditions

•      Self-expression is stifled

•      Parents may treat children as friends or confidants

•      It's not acceptable to have opinions, beliefs, or ideas that differ from the family's

•      Fierce loyalty is expected

•      Guilt and shame are used to maintain the status quo

Thankfully, my personal therapy journey, along with my own training and experience as a mental health professional has helped me to recognize when I slip into patterns of enmeshment with my family of origin. I can honestly say that for the most part, our family has learned the art of setting healthy psychological AND physical boundaries. This is good timing, especially now that we live on a big fat family compound together. Yes, you read that right. It only works because….BOUNDARIES!!!

For years now, I have understood why and how my childhood enmeshment plays out in adulthood when it comes to my family of origin, but I must admit that I was completely unprepared for how enmeshment would show up and wreak havoc in my stepfamily.

Here are 2 ways enmeshment can show up in a stepfamily and ideas for how you can start creating healthier patterns:

1)     When a couple gets divorced, it is common for the newly single parents to develop a closer relationship their child.

In many cases the relationship becomes too close, and a child takes on a parentified role as the parents start relying more heavily on their child for emotional support. This enmeshment can have devastating consequences on a child’s developing identity and independence, and can cause symptoms of depression, low self-esteem, and interpersonal relationship struggles throughout adulthood.

It is important that parents get the professional support they need to deal with any underlying issues that may be contributing to any parentification that is happening, especially in the case of a high-conflict divorce where there is excessive anger, bitterness, and grief.

It is also important that children of divorce have a safe space where they can authentically express and process their emotions.

A mental health professional can be a safe, neutral person whom can help them learn healthy coping skills, how to set healthy boundaries and address any other mental health issues that might arise.

Parents should also take time to teach their child about the importance of self-care, and model it so that they will understand the necessity of prioritizing their own individual needs and seeking support when needed.

2)     If you experienced enmeshment in childhood, it is way too easy for emotional boundaries to be blurred in your romantic relationships as well.

When you marry someone who has kids from a prior relationship, it becomes very apparent, very quickly, that you and your partner share very different feelings and opinions about the people and dynamics within the stepfamily.

For someone with a history of enmeshment, it can feel confusing, uncomfortable, or even unsafe for their partner to think and feel so vastly different than they do, especially when it comes to the kids and the ex because it constantly highlights the “separateness” of the couple.

Enmeshment can provide a false sense of safety because we have been raised to believe that closeness protects us from abandonment, which is already a huge trigger for those who have experienced divorce.

Enmeshment can also cause a spouse to become overly concerned about their partner’s needs and take on a caretaking or protective role. When you are enmeshed with your partner, you may start feeling their feelings, or have trouble discerning whose emotions are whose. You may even find it hard to be happy unless your partner is happy.

While it’s true that we enter a “one flesh” covenant when we get married, that does not mean that God intended for us to merge our separate individual identities into one.

It is normal and healthy for individuals in a marriage to have different identities, which includes different thoughts, feelings, beliefs, friends, hobbies, etc.

In a stepfamily, couples must work through their abandonment fears, and work towards accepting and embracing the reality that their partner not only has a separate past, but will also rarely, if ever share the same feelings about stepkids, the ex, or any other aspect of stepfamily life. It is important that both individuals take time to practice self-care and focus on their own needs and desires so that they do not lose themselves in the process of “blending” a new marriage and family.  

 If you recognize any of these enmeshment patterns in your stepfamily, then I would just like to say, CONGRATULATIONS!

Awareness is the first and most important step in creating lasting, healthy change!

Don’t be afraid to seek professional help for you and your children! Couples and families who stay ENMESHED always end up IN A MESS.

As always, I wish you will on your stepfamily journey!

Guest Contributor, Rachel Dunne is an Associate Licensed Counselor, a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach in Alabama and founder of www.spiritualstepmom.com. You can find her on Instagram, sharing her blended family life and life hacks @spiritualstepmom.

Click below to SHARE with a friend or Subscribe for more tips: