How To Go into The Holiday Season When It’s Loaded With Landmines

3 ways to prepare yourself for unmet expectations, strained relationships, and ongoing loss this season.

By Karla Hardin, MS LPC-S

 I have found that no matter how bad last year’s holiday get together was, as the new season approaches there is an unconscious hope that somehow this year will be different. A friend of mine says, “I can’t help but to have Hollywood in my head!”

I don’t care if you are young or old, male, or female –we all are drawn to wanting that idealized view of how we imagine our family relationships could be. And yet year after year we are disillusioned and exhausted as we leave, swearing to ourselves we will never put ourselves out there again to be that disappointed.

But we do.

Let me explain why we keep doing that.  It is because God created us for secure attachment. A secure attachment is where you and I experience both feeling safe and valued in our relationships - despite our imperfections.

Our relationship with others is designed to model after our relationship with God. It is in our DNA at a cellular level to keep seeking loving and safe relationships.

So, bottom-line –your very biology keeps you hoping year after year that you will finally find this flawless safety and value in your most important relationships.

But here is the problem:

We aren’t in OZ or a Hallmark movie. We are in a very broken world where we ourselves along with everyone else we know wakes up to the daily reality of the world, our flesh, and the devil:

·       World -“indifference and opposition to God’s design”, “empty passing values”

·       Flesh -"gluttony and sexual immorality, ... our corrupt inclinations, & disordered passions"

·       The Devil -"a real, personal enemy, a fallen angel, Father of Lies."

It is because of these three realities that we are not going to see our Hollywood ending here on earth.

So, if we can’t return to Eden in this world, how do we face our day-to-day struggle to not just give up, check out, or shrink and hide within? 

I believe our model is the found in the early church.

The apostle Paul painted a picture of life that we can all relate to in 2 Corinthians 6:1-11. A life that is not a fairytale – even if you know Jesus. Paul described the reality of how hard life is.  A life filled with challenges, betrayals, disappointments, hard work along with daily losses. Chuck Swindoll pictured our reality in the title of his book – 3 Steps Forward, 2 Steps Back.

But tucked in Paul’s teaching, I believe, is the way he faced the realities of this world.

The tiny but powerful phrase, “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.”

Paul knew how to hold both good and bad in the same hand. He wasn’t afraid of either reality.

I’ve often said to my clients that the people who are the most emotionally healthy and spiritually vital are the people who metabolize the daily losses by grieving well and trusting well.

So, the key to walking into this holiday season is practically applying this phrase into your unique realities.

Start by:

First,

Connect with your unconscious hope and desire to have quality relationships where you feel safe and valued. Acknowledge to yourself it is a legitimate longing as you were created for it. Then remind yourself of our three enemies (world, flesh, & devil) and lay down unrealistic expectations.

Secondly, and probably the hardest,

Get comfortable with continually grieving ongoing loss in the relationships that are strained and unresolved. This is hard because I am basically telling you to get used to feeling sad. This is scary for all of us, as no one wants to feel sad – and certainly not every day!

 Therapist Tip: best way to fight addiction is to acknowledge your sadness and grieve. Addiction is the counterfeit way of dealing with the reality of loss.

We don’t get to escape sadness just because we are a Christian.

Our promised Messiah was called a man of many sorrows. We saw Jesus sad as he lost those He loved, was in close relationships that constantly betrayed him, misunderstood when He did good things, and deserted in His greatest hour of need. There wasn’t a day that went by that Jesus wasn’t sad at what He saw in reality.

Finally,

The hidden gem of our triumph during reality –rejoicing.

Only the Christian can solidly rest and rejoice in the midst of this broken world. Why can we be shunned by a family member, find ourselves lonely in the crowd, misrepresented and mocked, and yet free to rejoice? It is because we were promised that we would be comforted (Matthew 5:4), we would never be alone (Hebrews 13:5) and could have fullness of joy despite circumstances (Psalm 16:11).

Even though we don’t see a Hollywood ending to pain and loss in our daily lives we DO have the promise of a new heavens and a new earth where all evil will cease and our relationships for all eternity will be loving and safe forever.

* Choose to focus on and give thanks for this truth as you walk through your holidays.

The miracle of being able to have “both” at the same moment –sorrow and rejoicing, is our birthright as believers.

It allows you to feel sadness and joy as you encounter each person, you will find peace even when things are unresolved, and this my friend transcends reality!

This holiday, challenge yourself to experience “the secret” that Paul learned of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:12-13) by following these three time-tested truths.

Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor, Workshop Developer, Facilitator, and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources

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