How to Redeem Loss in Blended Families

“Loss is an unavoidable part of blended family life, but redemption can also be a part of the story.”

By Guest Contributor Rachel Dunne, of spiritualstepmom.com

Brokenness. Grief. Loss.

These are words most people do not associate with the excitement of a new marriage and the start of a family.

But the reality is, loss is an unavoidable part of blended family life.

It doesn’t take long for grief to work its way into the cracks of a fragile mosaic made of shattered pieces from the past and held together by the hope of restoration and new possibilities.

When I got asked to write a blog about loss in a blended family, the first thought that came to my mind was, “where do I even begin?”

I say this, because there isn’t a single aspect of blended family life that doesn’t involve some facet of loss. In fact, the very existence of a blended family is born from the loss of another, and it is through this lens that nearly every family milestone will be experienced and processed.

When most people decide to get married, have a baby, or buy a house, they are typically met with nothing but excitement and positivity from both family and friends! However, this is nothing more than a pipe dream for most blended families, because even the most special moments can elicit feelings of resentment, fear, and grief in family members, and sometimes even groups of friends.

Sadly, many of life’s most significant milestones are tainted by loss, and although this loss is felt differently by each member of the blended family, everyone is essentially grieving the same thing:

the loss of the nuclear family.

Biological Parents

The biological parent may carry the heaviest grief of all, because not only are they experiencing the loss of the nuclear family they thought they would have, but they also feel responsible for the losses experienced by both their children and their new partner. The biological parent works tirelessly to create a happy, successful family but quickly realizes that no matter how hard he tries, his new family cannot and will not feel or function like a “normal family” and this can be a devastating blow to his self-esteem.

The biological parent must also come to terms with the fact that he will no longer be parenting as a team with the child’s other biological parent and must accept that his new partner will likely not share the same natural feelings of responsibility, pride and love for their stepchild, which can leave the biological parent feeling extremely isolated and lonely at times.  

Stepparent

The stepparent typically marries into a ready-made family feeling like she has gained the family she has always dreamed of, but it doesn’t take long for her to realize that by marrying into a blended family, she has actually lost the family she has always dreamed of and therefore, must adjust to the reality of this loss – while having to adjust to the reality of becoming an overnight parent.

The stepparent must also grieve the loss of all the firsts-being their partner’s first wife, having their partner’s first child, buying a house for the first time, etc. and it is this harsh reality that quickly sends even the most positive stepparent spiraling into deep resentment and grief. Not to mention, they must also accept the loss of both privacy and emotional safety within the walls of their own home.

Children

The children in a blended family experience loss as a result of decisions made without their input, which makes their grief even more heartbreaking. Children are already devastated by the loss of the nuclear family and having two parents who live together and love each other, so when a parent remarries, this just compounds the grief as it represents the loss of a child’s dream of their parents reuniting. A child can even love and appreciate their stepparent and will still feel pain over the broken relationship between their biological parents.

Even the birth of a new sibling is tinged with grief as the child is reminded that he will always be pulled between two homes and two families, unlike the new baby who will be spending everyday with both of its parents. Unfortunately, children also tend to carry the grief of the other biological parent who may feel sad or insecure over the re-coupling of their ex, which represents the loss of the life and family they, too, thought they would have.

No matter how uncomfortable it may feel, grief is not something that we can avoid or run away from. Until we confront it, it will continue to wreak havoc on our minds, bodies, and families.

GOOD NEWS!

The GOOD NEWS is, that although loss is a huge part of blended family life, we can learn to understand and process our grief in a healthy way so that we can stop focusing on the life we thought we would have and start embracing the life that we do have.

When we learn to feel and re-conceptualize our grief, we open the door for God to do new and amazing things in and through our family!

Seven years ago today, I was sitting on my bed writing my vows for our wedding when I heard God whisper, “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 49:13

In that moment, I knew that God had big plans for my marriage and family, and that I had to trust Him to carry out His purpose, even when I couldn’t understand what He was doing.

On the days when the brokenness cuts too deep-and those days will come- remember that we serve the God of hope and restoration. Remember that we serve the God of the impossible. Remember that we serve the God who makes beauty from ashes and turns mourning into dancing.

Remember, we serve a God who is in the business of taking broken things and making them into something so extraordinarily beautiful that the world cannot deny that it is God’s masterpiece.

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Guest Contributor, Rachel Dunne is a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach in Alabama and founder of www.spiritualstepmom.com. You can find her on Instagram, sharing her blended family life and life hacks @spiritualstepmom.

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